tumbleweed.net

(with apologies to Misters Goldman and Izzard)

TO THE NOM

Jeff Vader: First things first, death by tray.

server: No. To the nom.

Jeff Vader: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.

server: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.

Jeff Vader: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

server: It won’t be the last. To the nom means the first thing I will eat will be my french fries. With mayonnaise. Then I will take a sip of my Mexican Coca-Cola made with real cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. Then a bite of my large FatBurger. Then I will cut off your hands at the wrists and your feet at the ankles. Next your tongue.

Jeff Vader: And then my ears, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.

server: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.

Jeff Vader: And then my nose, I understand. Let’s get on with it.

server: WRONG. Your nose you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every scent of food you smell that you cannot taste will be yours to cherish. Every burger, every pizza, every hot-wing that wafts by your nose will make you cry out and the thought, “Dear God! What is that wonderful-smelling thing,” will echo in your brain. That is what to the nom means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish hunger forever.

Jeff Vader: … I think you’re bluffing.

server: It’s possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again … perhaps I have the strength after all.

server: DROP … YOUR … TRAY!

Feel free to submit your own!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. Who knew? (Besides Canadians, of course.) So, in the spirit of the holiday that is not Columbus Day, we should all think of the reasons for which we are grateful for Canada, eh?

My list of reasons to be thankful for Canada:

• Canadian Bacon
• Quebec. The entire concept is hilarious. I love how they’ve really committed to the joke. I can’t help but think that Quebec is to France as Mexico is to Spain.
• The Canadian dollar coin is called a ‘Looney’. Sure, it’s because a Loon is on the backside of the coin, but still.
• Tuques
• A great method of camouflage for Americans travelling abroad: Wear something with Maple leaf imagery.
• And let’s be honest – it’s great to have a neighbor you can make fun of who isn’t scary.

Hey, do you know how a Canadian spells Canada? C eh N eh D eh!  :)

Sarcasm is truth, truth sarcasm.

Some people consider cows sacred, and will not eat beef, but I say that if we weren’t supposed to eat cows, they wouldn’t be so damned delicious. But this makes for a puzzle, for if the cow is holy, how can it be damned delicious? It’s like that saying, “It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.” It’s a philosophical turducken!

I have a theory that the same people who actually like crunchy peanut butter are likely the same people who mount the toilet paper roll so it pulls from the bottom.

I’m pretty sure.