TO THE NOM

Jeff Vader: First things first, death by tray.

server: No. To the nom.

Jeff Vader: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.

server: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.

Jeff Vader: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

server: It won’t be the last. To the nom means the first thing I will eat will be my french fries. With mayonnaise. Then I will take a sip of my Mexican Coca-Cola made with real cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. Then a bite of my large FatBurger. Then I will cut off your hands at the wrists and your feet at the ankles. Next your tongue.

Jeff Vader: And then my ears, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.

server: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.

Jeff Vader: And then my nose, I understand. Let’s get on with it.

server: WRONG. Your nose you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every scent of food you smell that you cannot taste will be yours to cherish. Every burger, every pizza, every hot-wing that wafts by your nose will make you cry out and the thought, “Dear God! What is that wonderful-smelling thing,” will echo in your brain. That is what to the nom means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish hunger forever.

Jeff Vader: … I think you’re bluffing.

server: It’s possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again … perhaps I have the strength after all.

server: DROP … YOUR … TRAY!

LEED Certification in the Spotlight

The building I work in recently got LEED certification, signifying they’ve made serious efforts into “greening” the building. Then they go and put up a nice LEED Certification plaque in the lobby.

And put a spotlight on it. *sigh*

You keep using that phrase “energy efficient.” I do not think it means what you think it means.

Lots of Earth Day people (efficient light bulbs, EV car chargers, etc) are set up in the lobby today, right under the LEED plaque, and none of them seem to think a thing about it.  :(

Don’t make her angry, Mr. McGee. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

Each year, it’s the same thing – these little cookie-pimping bitches dress up as cookies and flash that green Thin Mint box, and I’m a goner. And it’s a vicious cycle, too. Once you have the Thin Mints, you have to go get some milk to go with them. Milk, for God’s sake! C’mon, is there no end to the humiliation?

I’m hardly the only one to be subjected to this yearly torture, as MSNBC reported last week, Thin Mints, or the lack thereof, inspired Hersha Howard of Collier County, Florida, to turn into a real-life psycho version of the Cookie Monster. When she went for her Thin Mints for a late-nite snack, she found them missing. She accused her roommate of eating them, but the roommate said she gave them to her kids, and offered to pay $10 for them (more than twice what they cost). Howard completely lost it at that point, and went after her roommate with a pair of scissors, bit her on the breast, and struck her repeatedly with a sign. While cookies may be a “sometime food” as Cookie Monster says, that “sometime” is usually “right the hell NOW!”

The Nielson Company just released some statistics on smartphone user demographics in the U.S., and the results are rather surprising. Apple’s reputation is that it’s big with the “cool” crowd, but it seems that Google’s Android mobile operating system is winning just not overall marketshare (29% vs Apple’s 27%), but also winning in the younger age groups. Android is more popular with younger people (18-24), and Apple’s iPhone is more popular with older (55+). Just one more thing … get off my lawn!

Best Picture: Machete
Best Actor: Danny Trejo, Machete
Best Actress: Jessica Alba’s naked ass, Machete
Best Supporting Actor: Cheech Marin, Machete
Best Supporting Actress: Ellen Wong, Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Best Director: Ethan Maniquis & Robert Rodriguez, Machete
Best Original Screenplay: Robert Rodriguez & Álvaro Rodríguez, Machete
Best Adapted Screenplay: Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Visual Effects: Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Music (Original Score): Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Music (Original Song): Garbage Truck by Beck, Scott Pilgrim vs the World

An oldie, but I haven’t seen it until now. Epic Truth.

Facebook has my minimum amount of attention.

Feel free to submit your own!

My list of reasons to be thankful for Canada:

• Canadian Bacon
• Quebec. The entire concept is hilarious. I love how they’ve really committed to the joke. I can’t help but think that Quebec is to France as Mexico is to Spain.
• The Canadian dollar coin is called a ‘Looney’. Sure, it’s because a Loon is on the backside of the coin, but still.
• Tuques
• A great method of camouflage for Americans travelling abroad: Wear something with Maple leaf imagery.
• And let’s be honest – it’s great to have a neighbor you can make fun of who isn’t scary.

Hey, do you know how a Canadian spells Canada? C eh N eh D eh!  :)